Last month on this blog, I brought to the world’s attention an emerging underground society about which little had previously been known, and with which my older brother Greg had recently gotten involved: The Cult of the Still-Beating Trout Heart.
Since that time my dear ol’ Uncle Dave of Alburg, VT, the diligent fact finder that he is, went straight to the source and gathered some important information concerning the strange cramps and cravings that could overcome my brother.
The following is a slightly abridged message from my uncle to my brother alerting him to what could be in store.
I also have some important news for you, healthwise. Recently I spoke with the local Abenaki Indian (yes, we can call them Indians up here) sub chief, (the big chief was unavailable because she’s in the slammer for embezzling tribal funds). When I asked him what he knew about the Cult of the Still Beating Trout Heart , a grave and inscrutable Indian look came upon his face as he informed me that you had jumped the line in the still beating fish heart fraternity by not first swallowing some lesser breeds; catfish, carp and suckers to name a few. But don’t worry! These are gentle Indians not given to vengeful acts, but you probably won’t be getting any free chits at the local casino. He did say that it is not unusual for newcomers to the COTSBTH to eventually find themselves with an insatiable hunger for nightcrawlers and earthworms and often don’t have a ready supply available. Here’s where the importance of extended family comes in. I’m sure you remember meeeting Maretta’s brother, Len. Well, it just so happens that his son in law, Kurt( who came up here the day after you guys left) has a business name Kurt’s Crawlers ( I’m not making this up[ well, some of it]) and ships worms to customers all around the country for composting and soil enrichment.. You see where I’m going with this? I guess this makes you first step cousins-in-law and as such probably eligible for a family discount. So, when you find yourself in the middle of the night crawling on the floor frothing at the mouth and all cramped up and don’t know why, call me. I can help. Or better yet, wait ’til morning to call me. According to the subchief, the problem should go away after a few heaping meals of crawlers, which are pretty tasty on Combos or Cheezits, by the way.
Love, your ever helpful uncle, Dave